i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
