she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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