1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
