I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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