so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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