He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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