i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
