Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
