My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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