I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
