my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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