May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
