he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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