I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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