i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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