Sry I called you an 8
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
