and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
