420 ftw
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
