i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
