Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
