And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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