You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
