i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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