My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Randomize
