The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
