I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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