im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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