I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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