I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
