did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
