I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
