Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
