Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
