Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
