Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
