I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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