She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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