morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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