I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
