Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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