first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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