I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
