her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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