You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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