I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
