If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
