im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
