He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
