she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
