This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm just crazy horny about you
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
