i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
